Anger Translator for Special Counsel Mueller

I appreciate Robert Mueller. He is my kind of Republican: honorable, decent, and dedicated to his patriotic duty. He is the opposite, in other words, of most Republicans these days (Mitch McConnell).

On the other hand, I feel bad for Mueller since he clearly doesn’t like being in the public eye, while someone who loves being in the public eye keeps lying about him. Today Donald Trump lied when he said Mueller wanted to be head of the FBI, when he said Mueller resented Trump over some old golf club business deal, when he said Mueller’s team was made up of 18 angry Democrats, and when he said the Russia investigation was a witch hunt.

In the face of these slanderous lies by Trump, Mr. Mueller has chosen to remain silent. But he might be helped if he had an anger translator to talk for him. You know, like Luther the anger translator, that the Key and Peele comedy team provided for President Obama. Honestly, I think Mr. Mueller needs that kind of assistance, and so, I hereby volunteer to play the part of “Laszlo,” Robert Mueller’s anger translator. Here then, are a few of the things that Laszlo might say on Mueller’s behalf.

Special Counsel Mueller: Our investigation revealed a sustained, systematic attempt by Russian military and intelligence agencies to interfere in our election in 2016. Their aim was to heighten dissension in the American public and to undermine Hillary Clinton’s candidacy. The Trump team welcomed this interference, but their actions did not rise to a level that would warrant a criminal indictment.

Laszlo: Donald J. Trump, you slack-brained snollygoster! Your team takes meetings with the Russians to get dirt on Hillary Clinton, then you lie about the meetings and the other dirty tricks that the Russians helped you with, and top it all off by lying about my investigation, calling it a witch hunt. Where the hell do you get the nerve?

S. C. Mueller: I want to thank the members of my team who carried out the investigation honorably and with selfless dedication.

Laszlo: Mr. President, you misbegotten maggot, if you call my people “angry Democrats” one more time I will lay an ass-whupping on you so savage it will make Don Junior’s teeth rattle. Cut that crap out, and I mean now!!!

S. C. Mueller: If I could exonerate the president, I would. But I cannot.

Laszlo: Trump, you are a straight-up, tacky-ass, stinkwad-to-the-core criminal. Why aren’t you in jail already??

S. C. Mueller: The Russian efforts to undermine our democracy are ongoing. Every American should be mindful of this continuing threat.

Laszlo: What in God’s name is wrong with you, Trump? You keep kissing Putin’s ass like it was a bag of delicious cheeseburgers! Cut that treasonous crap out and start defending our country! I’m warning you that if you do not, I will personally drag your sorry, un-American ass out of the Oval Office and kick it across Pennsylvania Avenue!

S. C. Mueller: Thank you. No questions.

Laszlo: God, give me strength.