In the fall of 1863 Abraham Lincoln spoke briefly and eloquently in a ceremony at Gettysburg, dedicated to honoring the men who fell in that terrible battle. But what if it weren't President Lincoln speaking? What if it had been President Trump?
President Trump’s Gettysburg
Four score and whatever our fathers brought forth on this continent a new
nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that some day it
could be made great again.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether America, or any
nation can long endure unless it is led by an astonishingly healthy and smart
guy like me. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to
dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here
gave their lives. But should we do this?
In a larger sense, a really huge sense, we can not dedicate, we can not
consecrate, we can not hallow this ground because these men are losers. They’re
dead and buried. I like soldiers who don’t get killed. We’re not going to whip
the Rebels if our guys keep dying by the thousands! The brave men, at least the
living ones, who struggled here, have consecrated this battlefield, but not as
much as my speech will. The world will little note, nor long remember what they
did here, but it can never forget what I’m saying here. Cause I have the best
words. Now it is for us the living to be dedicated here to the unfinished work
which they who fought here have thus far advanced – my re-election. It is for
us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—a Trump victory
in 1864! From this battlefield victory (which I would have won even sooner because
I know more than the generals) everyone should take increased devotion to that
cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that I get four
more years. Only in that case will these dead men (losers!) not have died in
vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of greatness—and this
government shall not perish from the earth, this government of the people, by
the people, and for the people. Oh, who am I kidding? I mean government of the people, by the people, and for me, Donald Trump.
Monday, September 19, 2016
Monday, September 12, 2016
My associate, Mr. Fulano de Tal, reports from a source that has on occasion not proven unreliable, that Roger Ailes has been blocking Donald Trump's attempts to tweet about Hillary's health. According to the source, the following were the top ten of Trump's attempted tweets:
Just like I said, Hillary is sick + weak. But I’m the strongest + healthiest man who ever lived. And I can get a doctor’s note to prove it!
Rog. Ailes says no tweeting now. Hide my real self. No way! My real self: amazing – I have the best words. Part of my incredulous geniosity.
Hillary is so weak and sick. I bet she is barfing right now. Ever seen a woman throw up? Big slimy gobs of puke. Disgusting!
I have never thrown up. Except when I was a baby and my mamma burped me on her shoulder. And then it was the best puke.
I think HRC had been drinking too. She was staggering like a drunkard – just like this; I’ll show you what I mean, watch me in this video!
[Sorry, video not available at this time – Culture World editor]
FDR’s wheelchair, Ike’s heart attacks, JFK’s back. America has had enough of these weak losers. And staggering Hillary - I will crush her!
I will NEVER get sick. Believe me.
I have a penis and it is huge. Believe me.
Plus a retweet from Trump’s friend, Putin:
@VladimirtheGreat That woman, Hheellary, so styooppeed + so week. Nyekhorosho! I laff at her – Hha-hha-hha!