Anger Translator for Special Counsel Mueller

I appreciate Robert Mueller. He is my kind of Republican: honorable, decent, and dedicated to his patriotic duty. He is the opposite, in other words, of most Republicans these days (Mitch McConnell).

On the other hand, I feel bad for Mueller since he clearly doesn’t like being in the public eye, while someone who loves being in the public eye keeps lying about him. Today Donald Trump lied when he said Mueller wanted to be head of the FBI, when he said Mueller resented Trump over some old golf club business deal, when he said Mueller’s team was made up of 18 angry Democrats, and when he said the Russia investigation was a witch hunt.

In the face of these slanderous lies by Trump, Mr. Mueller has chosen to remain silent. But he might be helped if he had an anger translator to talk for him. You know, like Luther the anger translator, that the Key and Peele comedy team provided for President Obama. Honestly, I think Mr. Mueller needs that kind of assistance, and so, I hereby volunteer to play the part of “Laszlo,” Robert Mueller’s anger translator. Here then, are a few of the things that Laszlo might say on Mueller’s behalf.

Special Counsel Mueller: Our investigation revealed a sustained, systematic attempt by Russian military and intelligence agencies to interfere in our election in 2016. Their aim was to heighten dissension in the American public and to undermine Hillary Clinton’s candidacy. The Trump team welcomed this interference, but their actions did not rise to a level that would warrant a criminal indictment.

Laszlo: Donald J. Trump, you slack-brained snollygoster! Your team takes meetings with the Russians to get dirt on Hillary Clinton, then you lie about the meetings and the other dirty tricks that the Russians helped you with, and top it all off by lying about my investigation, calling it a witch hunt. Where the hell do you get the nerve?

S. C. Mueller: I want to thank the members of my team who carried out the investigation honorably and with selfless dedication.

Laszlo: Mr. President, you misbegotten maggot, if you call my people “angry Democrats” one more time I will lay an ass-whupping on you so savage it will make Don Junior’s teeth rattle. Cut that crap out, and I mean now!!!

S. C. Mueller: If I could exonerate the president, I would. But I cannot.

Laszlo: Trump, you are a straight-up, tacky-ass, stinkwad-to-the-core criminal. Why aren’t you in jail already??

S. C. Mueller: The Russian efforts to undermine our democracy are ongoing. Every American should be mindful of this continuing threat.

Laszlo: What in God’s name is wrong with you, Trump? You keep kissing Putin’s ass like it was a bag of delicious cheeseburgers! Cut that treasonous crap out and start defending our country! I’m warning you that if you do not, I will personally drag your sorry, un-American ass out of the Oval Office and kick it across Pennsylvania Avenue!

S. C. Mueller: Thank you. No questions.

Laszlo: God, give me strength.

Let's Not Nickname Trump

A recent (and amusing) Guardian article reported that Fran Lebowitz thinks that the worst thing about Trump is that he is a moron. According to Lebowitz, “Everyone says he is crazy – which maybe he is – but the scarier thing about him is that he is stupid. You do not know anyone as stupid as Donald Trump. You just don’t.”

 I agree that Trump is dumb. He is, after all, the guy that wondered why nobody knows what the Civil War was about, who didn’t understand the China-North Korea relationship, and who was surprised that revamping America’s health care system was going to be complicated. And let’s not overlook the fact that in the booming early 1990s, when competent entrepreneurs were making fortunes everywhere, he lost over a billion dollars. Now that is some serious stupid.

 But I have to disagree with Ms. Lebowitz on one point. Dumb though Trump may be, his real problem is not his stupidity, but his contempt for democracy. This was most recently evident in his refusal to comply with the law and the Constitution – by obstructing justice, for example, and refusing to turn over his tax records to Congress.

 And, as though to prove to any remaining doubters how thoroughly scornful of democracy he is, Trump went on to entertain Hungary’s authoritarian strongman Viktor Orban in the White House this week. Note that both President Bush and President Obama refused to associate with Orban. Why, I’d like to know, should America honor a xenophobic autocrat, one who has made it a point of dismantling Hungary’s democracy?

 In an NPR interview, Princeton University professor Kim Lane Scheppele pointed out that Trump and Orban are similar in the way that each whips up “fears and nationalist sentiments.” Orban has received a cold shoulder from Europe’s democracies, but he nevertheless continues to use his anti-immigrant posturing “to inspire nationalists across the world.” And now Trump is helping him.

 So, add Orban to the growing list of thuggish authoritarians that Trump likes to cozy up to, a list that already includes Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un and Jair Bolsonaro.

               Viktor Orban and Vladimir Putin

Of course, Trump, in addition to being stupid and authoritarian is also dishonest, vulgar, misogynistic, and bigoted. He has so many unpresidential qualities that it’s surprising nobody has come up with a nickname for him that’s caught on with the public. It may be that Trump’s critics consider it childish and undignified to slap a nickname on a rival. I know that’s the way I feel. But what if I weren’t constrained by my sense of decorum – could I come up with an appropriate nickname? Of course, I could. Just to prove it, I will offer here a partial list of the nicknames that I could hurl at Trump were I not an individual of stupendous dignity:

Donny Dimwit

Donny Dumbass

Donny the Dictator

Donny Der Fuhrer

Donny Der Amerikanische Fuhrer

Donny Der Habderheadupinderass Fuhrer

Donny Dummkopf

Donny Groin Grabber

Klan Krony Trump

Putin’s Puppet

Vlad’s Little Bitch

Orangeman

Orange Blob

El Blobbo Naranjo

Lyin’ Trump

Lyin’ Loser Trump

 
Swamp Shyster

 

Dirty Don

Don the Con

Crooked Con Don

The Undapper Don

Capo di tutti Chumpi

And so on. But these are all nicknames that I decline to bestow. Because, you know, dignity and decorum.

Freedom of Religion

I’m not a religious person, but I appreciate those religions that bring us together and encourage acts of benevolence. On the other hand, I don’t appreciate people who promote fanatical adherence to their own particular religious ideas and make life hard for others who don’t share their beliefs. Which is why I prefer Pete Buttigieg’s religiosity to Mike Pence’s.

Vice President Pence has been in a verbal feud with Mayor Pete lately, largely because Buttigieg is a rising star in the Democratic Party and is running for president as an openly gay candidate married to his husband, Chasten. Pence has made a name for himself by opposing gay marriage and promoting the idea that being gay is a choice. As governor of Indiana, he signed a bill aimed at restricting the rights of LGBTQ people.

I am baffled by people who regard being gay as a choice. I can assure all who may ask that I did not “choose” my heterosexual proclivities. They came onto me in full force sometime around 1960, and choice had nothing to do with it.

Does Mr. Pence believe that Mr. Buttigieg chose to be gay just to be cool? Or because he wanted to annoy Jesus? There’s no evidence for the latter, given that Mayor Pete has made Christianity a spiritual touchstone in his life. And the mayor’s Christianity, by the way, is, in my opinion, the best kind: it calls for an open-hearted, compassionate, and understanding attitude toward all people no matter what their religion might be. Or might not be in the case of those who have no religion.

To be fair, I suppose even Mayor Pete’s generous religious spirit would draw the line at some point. I say this because I remember a hilarious Gahan Wilson cartoon in which a man complained of his family fleeing their homeland because they were persecuted for their religion. Meanwhile, just over his shoulder could be seen a ghastly portrait of an evil, grinning Satan.

And even the most religiously tolerant citizen might declare the bloody rituals of traditional Aztec sun-worship off limits.

 But I digress. My point is that I believe a person can be as religious as he or she likes, but not to the point of using religion to demonize, make life hard for, or cut out the beating hearts of the rest of us. It is, after all, fundamentally selfish and self-serving to declare that You Know what the word of God is. I get the feeling that a lot of hardcore Christians are not worshiping God so much as their own interpretation of God, which is to say, they are really worshiping themselves.

As a non-believer, I have no standing to explain the essential nature of God. But if I did, I would guess that a twenty-first century Jesus might express himself through words like these, “Verily I say unto you, blessed are those who love each other and in the light of that love choose to marry.”