On Not Nicknaming Trump, second edition

 Trump is dumb. But the worst thing about him is not his imbecility, but his contempt for democracy. 

And yet...let’s not be overhasty in our judgment here. Because, after all, Trump, in addition to being stupid and authoritarian, is also dishonest, vulgar, misogynistic, and bigoted. 

He has so many unpresidential qualities that it’s surprising nobody has come up with a Trump nickname that’s caught on with the public. It may be that anti-Trumpers consider it childish and undignified to slap a nickname on a rival. I know that’s the way I feel. But what if I weren’t constrained by my sense of decorum – could I come up with an appropriate nickname? Of course I could. Just to prove it, I will offer here a partial list of the nicknames that I could hurl at Trump were I not an individual of stupendous dignity:

Donny Dimwit

Donny Dumbass

Donny the Dictator

Donny Der Fuhrer

Donny Der Amerikanische Fuhrer

Donny Der Habderheadupinderass Fuhrer

Donny Dummkopf

Donny Groin Grabber

Klan Krony Trump

Donald “Jackass” Trump

Putin’s Puppet

Vlad’s Little Bitch

Orangeman

Orange Blob

Blobbo Naranjo

Lyin’ Trump

Lyin’ Loser Trump

Swamp Shyster

Dirty Don

Don the Con

Crooked Con Don

The Undapper Don

Capo di tutti Chumpi

And so on. But these are all nicknames that I decline to bestow. Because, you know, dignity and decorum.

(An earlier and somewhat longer version of this was posted on May 13, 2019.)

America's Greatest Test-Takers

Donald Trump is very proud of his amazing performance on a test which included a measure of his ability to remember five common nouns. (Extra credit for remembering them in the correct order.) However, I believe that he is not properly honoring other great American test-takers and the astonishing scores they managed to rack up in their testicular challenges. To correct this oversight, I am hereby offering the following capsule histories of the most prominent of these extraordinary leaders from our past.

First, there is Richard Nixon, who, in 1973 scored an impressive 97 out of 100 on his “Just How 'Not-a-Crook' Am I?” ethical character exam.

Then, in 1998, Bill Clinton racked up a robust 89 on his “Can You Not Try to Seduce the Next Woman You Meet?” test.

Walter Mondale’s score of 49 (out of 50) on his “How Many States Can You Win in the Next Election?” exam was attention-getting if not quite as amazing as Trump’s five out of five remembered nouns.

Looking further back in history, we should note George Armstrong Custer’s 95 on his “Are You Smarter than a Cheyenne Indian?” final exam.

And, of course, we would be remiss to neglect mention of Benedict Arnold’s straight-up 100 on the “How Truly American Are You?” challenge of 1779.

 My point is simply this: Trump, while glorying in the stable geniosity shown by his noun test, forgot for a moment the incredulous humility for which he is equally well known. So now, Mr. President,  carry on, but please don’t forget these other great American test-takers who have gone before you.

End of an Era?

I feel increasingly confident that the Donald Trump presidency is done for. 

 I know, I know…many people were sure he wouldn’t be elected in the first place, and yet here we are. But things are different now in a couple of ways. In 2016, a lot of voters thought, “Well, I wonder what it would be like to have a selfish and ignorant bigot in the White House. How bad could it be?”

 Now we know. Those of us who have survived so far understand just how bad it can be. And, frankly, it may be far worse by November.

 So, I think Donald is a dead duck. On top of his disastrous responses to the pandemic and to the Black Lives Matter movement, there is his apparent inability to change. He proudly relies on his instincts which, surprise, surprise, are telling him to spew out idiotic tweets ranging from the mendacious to the inane. But fewer and fewer people believe anything he says. Backing up the tweet-rants are the usual rallies, now enhanced by their Covid-spreading effects. He is incapable of not being who he has always been and this, I believe, will spell his doom.

 But let’s not forget that the horrors of this presidency were made possible by the complicity of all too many Republican senators. He could not have wrecked the country as he has without the cooperation of Mitch McConnell and company. 

 It will be interesting to see how a future McConnell will try to excuse his support for Trump’s catastrophic and unpatriotic policies. I suppose he could go with the classic “politics ain’t beanbag” defense. For example, he might say, in his low-key, I’m-a-sober-serious-dude voice, “Well, sometimes you have to break eggs to make omelets. Like, if I want Trump to help me suppress voters and funnel more sex offenders onto the Supreme Court, I may have to help him with the jobs Putin has assigned to him.”

 

The 1950s gave us McCarthyism, maybe the late 2010s will be known as the age of McConnellism. 

 How, in the years to come, will McConnell's senator colleagues justify their enabling of Trump's destructive and unpatriotic behavior? Maybe like this: “People may say I’m selfish and corrupt, but…look over there everybody, red velvet cupcakes!”

One of the most disturbing aspects of Trump’s White House tenure is the very fact that he managed to occupy this honored office at all. So now his occupancy will have to be officially memorialized. His portrait will adorn the White House wall. 

 But what will this portrait look like? I propose that we demand Congress make future presidential portraits subject to popular vote. Particularly now, we, the victims of Trump’s presidency, should have the right to decide how he will be officially remembered. In line with this proposal, I hereby offer you an opportunity to vote on your preferred Donald Trump official portrait composition. Please select A, B, C, D, or E below:

                             A

                             B

                             C

                             D

                             E

And, oh yeah, don't forget to vote.