Yesterday Donald Trump announced that he is running for president. As a public service, and as a way to express our deepest feelings about this development, Culture World has decided to write an open letter to Mr. Trump.
Dear Mr. Trump.
What an amazing day! You have astonished the world with your bold announcement. Of course, some people are saying things about you like, “That Trump is a bigger idiot than I realized,” and “Ha ha ha ha ha!” and “I wonder what his position is on the Currency and Foreign Transactions Reporting Act?”
OK, I haven’t actually heard anyone say that last thing, but my point is, you need to ignore these people. After all, most of them are not rich.
You, on the other hand, are, “really rich.” You have a total net worth of $8.73 billion, a point you made, not to brag, but just to let people know this important fact.
But Culture World knows you’re a sensitive guy, and therefore implores you not to let the critics get you down. People may say things like, “When did Donald Trump ever run for office?” or “Donald Trump sucks,” or “Donald Trump’s head looks like a glistening Easter egg covered in orange grass,” and so on. But don’t let this get to you, because…you’re Donald Trump! No other candidate can say that.
And there are ways to fight back. If, for example, while you’re standing at some podium, a sudden gust from the AC causes your comb over to fly up, you can just say, “This AC was probably designed by Obama!” or something like that.
You know what a loser Obama is. Sure he brought the economy back and saved the auto industry, but you would have done things faster and better. For example, if you had been president in 2009, you would have let the auto industry die, and then started your own super-duper auto industry. If only you had been president, we would all be driving around in awesome Trumpmobiles today!
As you said in your speech yesterday, America is not a great country these days, but with you in the White House, America would be great again, because you know how to handle the Chinese. The Chinese are now building a military island in the South China Sea, but, as you so wisely pointed out, America under Obama won’t build a military island because of environmental regulations. No wonder Obama is turning us into a Third World country, what with all his worrying about his stupid planet's environment.
And don’t let those Republicans block you from the debates. I know that some of them are saying, “Wait - we can’t let the clown car get even clownier.” But what do they know? They never showed their greatness by writing The Art of the Deal. Only you have proven yourself to be a great leader, a great businessman, and a great author. If they try to block you, here’s what you do: buy Puerto Rico and turn it into the fifty-first state! Then you could elect yourself to be a senator from Puerto Rico. Heck, with your money you could elect yourself to be both senators from Puerto Rico. The Republicans wouldn’t dare turn someone away who is two sitting senators! Game over.
Culture World has so much confidence in you that it would bet its entire budget on your victory. And you should do the same. You should offer to give your fortune away, the entire $8,737,540,000, to the Nature Conservancy if you are not elected president. What do you have to lose? Nothing! Because there is no chance you can lose -- because you are DONALD TRUMP!
The Great Donald Trump (Courtesy of David Becker/Getty Images)
With Warm Regards,