Republicans on Right vs. Wrong

Watching GOP lawmakers during the impeachment hearings has led me to wonder how they decide what is acceptable behavior for an American president. To resolve this question, I invited key GOP members of the House along with Senator Marco Rubio to the Sandspur Café, my local watering hole. I was pleased to see not only Senator Rubio, but Congressmen Will Hurd, Jim Jordan, and Devin Nunes trickle into the café and seat themselves at my table. Once we were all comfortably seated and provided with libations, I plunged immediately into the questions at hand. 

Me: Okay, so President Trump held back vital military aid from the Ukrainians, while the Russians attacked them, and then demanded a quid pro quo: Ukraine’s President Zelensky had to announce an investigation into Hunter Biden’s activities and also had to look into Ukrainian interference in the 2016 election. Now, do you all agree that he was wrong to do this?

Devin Nunes: No.

Marco Rubio: Of course not.

Jim Jordan slams his fist on the table and spits aggressively on the café floor.

Me: I’ll take that as a “No.” What do you think Congressman Hurd?

Will Hurd: Well, what President Trump did was wrong, but it doesn’t warrant impeachment.

Jordan: Okay, wait a minute. We’re going to have to caucus out back for a minute. Let’s go, Hurd.

They walk out the backdoor of the café and, after a few minutes during which loud thuds and the crashing of trash barrels can be heard, Jordan, Nunes, and Rubio re-enter and sit down.

Jordan (blowing softly on his chafed knuckles): It’s unanimous. We all agree the president did nothing wrong.

Me: What about Congressman Hurd?

Rubio: He’s indisposed right now.

Nunes: Why do you witch-hunting media types keep trying to make President Trump look bad? In the meantime, you just let the Ukrainians get away with interfering in our elections.

Me: But the Ukrainians never interfered in our elections. The Russians did.

Nunes: Says who?

Me: Says Robert Mueller, the CIA, and all the other U.S. intelligence agencies.

Nunes: What do they know? Putin says Ukraine interfered in our election and he is very strong when he says it.

Me: But…Okay, never mind. I’d just like to know what you think about Trump’s actions. He withheld military equipment from our Ukrainian allies in order to promote his own personal interests. What does this say about the future? You may set a precedent here that allows other presidents to turn U.S. policy into private instruments of personal power, you know, like Idi Amin did in Uganda, or Ferdinand Marcos in the Philippines. Aren’t you at all worried about what future presidents may try to get away with?

Jordan: Well, the good ones are held to a different standard. They should be able to do whatever the hell they want.

Me: Which ones are the good ones?

Jordan: The white guys who give big tax breaks to millionaires.

Rubio (looking dreamily off into space): And, also the Cuban ones…

Me: But think about Lend Lease during World War II. Britain desperately needed ships to save it from Nazi submarine attacks. Would it have been okay for Franklin Roosevelt to say to Winston Churchill, “You can have the ships only after you slander one of my political opponents”?

Nunes: I don’t know. Was Franklin Roosevelt a Republican?

Jordan: Enough of your media-type “gotcha” questions. President Trump can do what he wants to the Ukrainians because he’s a stable genius and he is making America great again!

Nunes: Yeah. Duh.

Jordan: Let's go Nunes!

Meanwhile, Senator Rubio just sat silently looking dreamily off into space.
 

                            Photo: From Orlando Weekly

And so ended my search for the Republicans' sense of right and wrong.