Anger Translator for Special Counsel Mueller

I appreciate Robert Mueller. He is my kind of Republican: honorable, decent, and dedicated to his patriotic duty. He is the opposite, in other words, of most Republicans these days (Mitch McConnell).

On the other hand, I feel bad for Mueller since he clearly doesn’t like being in the public eye, while someone who loves being in the public eye keeps lying about him. Today Donald Trump lied when he said Mueller wanted to be head of the FBI, when he said Mueller resented Trump over some old golf club business deal, when he said Mueller’s team was made up of 18 angry Democrats, and when he said the Russia investigation was a witch hunt.

In the face of these slanderous lies by Trump, Mr. Mueller has chosen to remain silent. But he might be helped if he had an anger translator to talk for him. You know, like Luther the anger translator, that the Key and Peele comedy team provided for President Obama. Honestly, I think Mr. Mueller needs that kind of assistance, and so, I hereby volunteer to play the part of “Laszlo,” Robert Mueller’s anger translator. Here then, are a few of the things that Laszlo might say on Mueller’s behalf.

Special Counsel Mueller: Our investigation revealed a sustained, systematic attempt by Russian military and intelligence agencies to interfere in our election in 2016. Their aim was to heighten dissension in the American public and to undermine Hillary Clinton’s candidacy. The Trump team welcomed this interference, but their actions did not rise to a level that would warrant a criminal indictment.

Laszlo: Donald J. Trump, you slack-brained snollygoster! Your team takes meetings with the Russians to get dirt on Hillary Clinton, then you lie about the meetings and the other dirty tricks that the Russians helped you with, and top it all off by lying about my investigation, calling it a witch hunt. Where the hell do you get the nerve?

S. C. Mueller: I want to thank the members of my team who carried out the investigation honorably and with selfless dedication.

Laszlo: Mr. President, you misbegotten maggot, if you call my people “angry Democrats” one more time I will lay an ass-whupping on you so savage it will make Don Junior’s teeth rattle. Cut that crap out, and I mean now!!!

S. C. Mueller: If I could exonerate the president, I would. But I cannot.

Laszlo: Trump, you are a straight-up, tacky-ass, stinkwad-to-the-core criminal. Why aren’t you in jail already??

S. C. Mueller: The Russian efforts to undermine our democracy are ongoing. Every American should be mindful of this continuing threat.

Laszlo: What in God’s name is wrong with you, Trump? You keep kissing Putin’s ass like it was a bag of delicious cheeseburgers! Cut that treasonous crap out and start defending our country! I’m warning you that if you do not, I will personally drag your sorry, un-American ass out of the Oval Office and kick it across Pennsylvania Avenue!

S. C. Mueller: Thank you. No questions.

Laszlo: God, give me strength.

The Fat Lady Still Hasn't Sung

We are indebted to Robert Mueller for several things. First, he carried out a very careful and apparently dispassionate investigation of the Trump team’s behavior and did so without any noticeable leaks. That, in itself, is an impressive feat. Our democracy depends on institutions that work on behalf of the public, and that is what Mr. Mueller impressed me as doing. Of course, when these institutions reveal wrongdoing on Donald Trump’s part he denounces them and refers to them as “the deep state,” but, what do you expect? It’s Trump. It’s weird that he denounced Mueller for years and now is holding up his report as pure and pristine truth, but again, that’s Trump.

  

I also feel indebted to Robert Mueller for the way he managed to indict, convict, or put in jail seven sleazy characters who were central to Trump’s election and administration. I consider that a good start.

And finally, thank you, Mr. Mueller for handing off information to other legal teams, like the Southern District of New York, that is sure to lead to more indictments and, I expect, convictions of Trump’s lackeys in the future.

Trump and his lawyers are celebrating right now because, according to the summary of the Mueller report offered by Trump’s Attorney General, William Barr, Trump was found not to have colluded directly with the Russians, and, though he may have obstructed justice, Mueller decided not to indict on this matter, leaving that up to the AG.

Mueller specifically said, with regard to obstruction of justice, that Trump was not exonerated. But Trump, being Trump, loudly declared that Mueller “completely exonerated” him. What a loser. Even when things go well for him, he manages to act like a petulant punk.

Granted the Mueller report could have been a lot worse for Trump, so he has some cause for relief. It was odd, however, that his attorney, Rudy Giuliani, said he expected the report to be a lot worse. That reminds me of the joke where a couple of muggers struggle fiercely with their victim until, getting him pinned down, they find he only had two dollars in his wallet. “Why did you fight so hard for two dollars?” they asked. “Oh, said the victim, “I thought you were after the $500 hidden in my shoe.”

So, what, I’d like to know, did Giuliani expect the report to reveal? More importantly, why did so many of Trump’s people have contacts with the Russians that they felt compelled to lie about? I wonder if the Mueller report, still not available for public review, will offer any insight concerning that question.

In any case, the sleazy and illegal behavior of such Trump people as Paul Manafort, Michael Cohen, and Roger Stone, is going to offer lots of opportunities for the SDNY, the Democratic House, and other authorities to investigate, and that is not good news for Trump.

But, I’m happy to let him and his gang celebrate what they see as their current victory. And I again want to express appreciation to Mr. Mueller for bringing to justice so many of the creepy characters that make up Trump World – like former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, for example.

Photo of Paul Manafort by Alex Wong for New York Intelligencer

Anyway, this may be the end of the beginning of Trump-focused investigations, it is certainly nowhere near the end.

What's That Smell?

On November 28, 2016, shortly after that year’s disastrous election, I wrote that those who believed Donald Trump could be transmogrified into an honest and worthy public servant by the dignity of the Oval Office were surely mistaken. I predicted that “our beloved White House, this architectural emblem of American democracy, this former residence of Abraham Lincoln, this site where Franklin Roosevelt hosted Winston Churchill as they worked out their strategy for victory in World War II, this elegant mansion -- will, for the next few years, be filled with a skunkish stink.”

And all I can say now is “Pee-yoo!”

I expected that Trump presidency to be Horrible, Horrible, Horrible. But it turns out I underestimated its Horribleness. Not even I thought Trump was such a pathetic jerk that he would rob from his so-called “charity” to pay his son’s seven-dollar Boy Scout dues. Good God. A small token gesture with a powerfully putrid implication.

So, is American democracy doomed because of Trump? Certainly, many of our European allies have worries along those lines, as was revealed this week by the hacked emails of EU diplomats. Among their concerns is Trump’s negative attitude toward Europe’s democracies (but not toward Putin!), an attitude which “had created a lot of insecurity.”

But maybe our democracy will survive Trump after all. I say this because of the comments of Judge Emmet Sullivan in what was supposed to be Michael Flynn’s sentencing hearing yesterday. Though Fox News hosts were drooling all day Monday over the possibility that the Reagan-appointed judge would toss out the charges against Flynn or otherwise throw shade on Robert Mueller, nothing of the sort happened. Instead Judge Sullivan spent almost two hours berating Flynn for the lack of patriotism and the tawdry character that his actions revealed. General Flynn served on the Trump election team – he was the one who led the “Lock her up!” chants against Clinton at the GOP convention – and later was appointed by Donald Trump as the National Security Advisor. Yes, this dishonest, self-serving man is the individual Trump appointed to oversee our national security, mainly, it seems, because the general hated Hillary Clinton and openly admired Donald Trump

Now that every organization associated with Trump is under investigation, it is heartening to know that there are people like Judge Sullivan who believe our democracy and its key institutions are worth preserving. Certainly, the people running Fox News don’t believe this and neither do Mitch McConnell and other members of the Republican leadership. They know Trump is a crook, but he’s a crook that can benefit them, so he gets a pass. 

My friend Jonathan put it thus in a recent email:

“As for the Republicans in Congress and for those in his administration. They are like hordes of great blood filled deer ticks on an aging moose. They are getting what they need from their host — tax cuts, deregulation, judges, lower immigration — and are just along for the ride. They will hop off when the moose falls and wait for the next large ungulate to come along.”

Well said, Jonathan: cogent, vivid, and true.

So the stench of corruption wafts from the White House to the GOP leadership and throughout the offices of the Fox “News” corporation. But, the good news is that if we can continue to count on key officials who believe in our democracy and the rule of law, officials like Robert Mueller and Judge Sullivan, our democracy should survive. In that case, maybe we will be all right after all.

Inshallah.

                              Judge Emmet G. Sullivan